Darmalaya – Silent and Meditation Retreat

After Mysore, I was looking forward to a silent retreat. Although my daily practice includes some meditation and yoga, this is a wonderful way to give yourself permission to fully come back inside and rest.

Being in silence away from all distraction moves you into a different edge, the edge that is formed before transformation. Sometimes, we aren’t aware of our edge, it’s disguised in anger, frustration, confusion and irritation which are all things that bring doubt. But it’s that energy that is needed to bring you beyond this point, the place of expansion, the new place of awareness that is filled with new knowledge and insight to help you move forward.

The second night here, it rained and it got cold and damped. I couldn’t get warm and I was sleeping on the floor on a mattress and could still feel the cold on my back. The next morning I couldn’t stand up straght, I was in a lot of pain. Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to do chi gong and missed some meditation for I spent a few days in bed resting. Guilt came over me for being in bed and I felt a little disconnected at times for not participating in all the programs. This was my edge!!

I felt vulnerable and for the first time since I’ve been in India, I wondered if I could continue. If I don’t get better, who is going to carry my backpack? Who is going to look after me? What if I am not strong enough? I felt like I loss control and that left me more vulnerable and scared.

How comfortable are we with vulnerability? I was in a place that I needed help, nurturing and support, how easy is it to ask for help? Does it make you feel weak or empowered? It seemed the Dharma talks always reflected what was happening inside me, no accident I am sure? I was reminded that compassion is not only for others but also includes ourself.

This was the beginning of my journey to becoming whole and complete again. I accepted the offer of a massage that was given with such love. Slowly each day I nurtured myself, followed my own practice of yoga and eventually was able to go back into the program. Shortly after, I was able for the first time walk out into the woods and the gratitude I felt for this opportunity left me overwhelmed. I sat on the ground surrounded with old pine trees and felt such comfort coming from them which helped me release some of the emotions that was stuck.  In that moment I was able to surrender fully into my vulnerability and accept the gifts from this whole experience.

Meditation

I wanted to do meditation for years and only now have a better understanding of my resistance, for in meditation we invite the pain. The stillness allows us to feel it, how can we feel when we keep ourself busy?

We are never encouraged to see clearly what is, with gentleness. We are always trying to be better than we already are and work hard on improving ourselves in order to get away from our pain. Meditation is about seeing things more clearly, such as our body, our mind, our life, our relationships and the people in our lives. It’s seeing how we react to all these things and seeing how our emotions and thoughts are in this moment, not in the pass nor the future but in this moment.

It’s not about making things go away but more about understanding them with a gentleness approach, fully experience it, then and only then can you let it go. Have you ever noticed despite how miserable we are at times, angry, unhappy, worried, frustrated, bitter or sad, the sun keeps shining, the birds keep flying, the flowers continue to open to the sun each morning which tells me, life just goes on. How can we do the same?

By a simple practice of being aware of my thoughts, my mind and action, I am learning where ever I am, I’m in the middle of a sacred circle and what ever comes into my circle is there to teach me.

Meditation begins to open your life so your not caught up in the drama, worries and concerns and just wanting your life to go your way. We loose sight of our sacred circle when we are loss in our limitations, pain, desires and fears that blind us from the beauty around us. The more you open your heart and make friends with your inner circle, this will reflect in your outer circle in all aspect of your life.

Everything in our life will either wake you up or put you asleep. Living in the now helps you see a different perspective. After a few days, I was seating at the edge of the cliff having a tea and the view was breath taking. I could feel the vastness around me and I felt my mind and my heart open even more to the space that presented itself to me. I realized there is so much more out there and all I need to do is let go and I will find the same space within me.

Part of being human is to feel discomfort, why do we resist? Fear of change? When we resist, life becomes more of a struggle. When we surrender, the flow moves effortlessly.

Out of fear to life we basically put up a wall, blocks that say no to life. When we start to see how we hold back, how we pull away , how we shut down or close off, the only way out is to open. This is the edge of your sacred circle, what has come in, what is at the edge is there to help you grow, help you become more open, help you to become more self realized, help you to become more conscious by waking you up!

Life will push us to our edge, one edge will be different then someone else’s, what’s important is understanding when you arrive at your edge, so you can go beyond it. That’s where things start to happen, you start to question things and for the first time become alive, fully in your life. Meditation tends to bring you closer to yourself, therefore closer to your edge .

“To know yourself or study yourself is to forget yourself, and if you forget yourself then you become enlightenment by all things” Zen master Dogan

The question then is.. How do we work through the edge? How do we get pass the fear, our reaction to freeze or close up? How do we move into the unknown? In my experience, with gentleness and kindness towards self. When we acknowledge our fear, realize we are shutting down, frozen and scared, we are in awareness therefore, say no to your limitations and breath and slowly move forward into your edge, where your friend is, so you can then say yes to life and bring joy, love and much deserved happiness. This is the journey of awakening..

When I sit with the uncomfortableness, it eventually softens me back into my heart, where compassion lives and I am transformed into a new dimension.

Fear is a way of protecting your heart, this reminds me of a turtle, how the outer shell protects its softness. India has given me the opportunity to open my heart even more by letting go of the shield and protection that I created around my heart over the years from being hurt, experiencing painful lessons and realizing I was still holding on to some of it. Working with the palliative team allowed me to be so unconditional and this is where the shield started to melt off, there was no longer a need to protect myself in this environment that needed so much love. When we are soft and tender just like the turtle, we protect ourself in ways we don’t understand and I believe it’s more subconscious.

Unless we open up and let go, eventually our protection works against us in ways that continue the suffering. One of the obvious example that comes to me is the inability to allow someone to come to close to us, just in case we get hurt. This held true for me for a long time after my last relationship and although I thought I was ready over the years I now see my heart was not open. Just like the turtle, I am slowly coming out and moving forward with ease.

Sometimes I felt my heart was in a bird cage, coming out when it’s safe and going back in just as quickly as it came out when it felt unsafe. Although I thought I was protecting myself, I now see it was a trap not only to myself but to others as well.

It takes a lot of courage to move through our edge but courage is there waiting for you like a friend. Which encompass the qualities of gentleness and openness, we are able to let go and open up. It’s the willingness to let your heart move through a variety of experiences that will help it expand. As I look around and see bees going from one flower to the other, they move with ease without fear to remove the pollen and out of this practice, they create this beautiful sweet golden liquid we call honey.

The buddith calls this Bodchicitta which means “awaken heart or courageous heart”

Meditation is also a process that helps us remove all the obstacles, the barriers, our protective shield that covers our wisdom, our knowledge and our truth. So take a moment and on the next in breath, are you are willing to go into your pain and explore the discomfort? and on the out breath, are you are ready to let it go, become open and invite joy, tenderness, new beginning, and a new sense of the moment?

The every day practice is simply to develop complete acceptance and openness to all situations, emotions and people. Pema Chodron

To my son

I am overwhelmed with the awareness that I am only beginning to understand the challenge you had when you came back from Australia. I remember clearly the day I saw you after two years being away, it was a wonderful moment all mothers can appreciate knowing you are back home and safe. Now things can go back to normal!! So far from reality but I didn’t have the awareness of that back then, I was just a mom happy to see her son back.

When I think of coming home, I get some wave of anxiety, the thought of coming back to an old life, a life I no longer connect to and it’s only been four months. Yet, the impact of my journey has already changed me in ways that I can see, some that is obvious but a deeper more profound change that is still unfolding is yet to be seen but is felt in some doses when I am in stillness. How does one go back and just pick up the pieces and move forward after you have been totally transformed from your experience, almost impossible!

So many things I didn’t understand then but now have more clarity and it makes my heart filled with sadness of the realization that I truly didn’t understand your struggles with entering back into your life back home. I thought if you were home, that’s all you would want. In fact that alone would make you happy but I was so wrong, so ignorant from lack of understanding until now. I now see you stayed home much longer than you should have and maybe out of respect and love you sacrificed yourself to make it work.

At times, I could see this inner sadness, this inner struggle that left you feeling trapped but I couldn’t understand why. I also now understand, leaving was the thing you needed to do to save yourself and the new found freedom of your soul you had discovered.

It takes so much courage to go but even more courage to re-enter back into your life and merge the old and the new. I can’t even begin to fathom how I’m going to do that, for the mother, the daughter, the teacher, the student, the neighbour and all the other roles I played until now seems so far away, like another life time ago. I can’t even relate to that person and yet do not fully know the one emerging.

I admire you more now than ever for your silent courage, strength and the knowing of what was right for you even though it would cause pain. Please forgive me for not understand you and not being able to properly support you in your transition. The difference is, I know you will be there for me and will understand my challenges and we can have the conversation we never had.

I look forward to our sharing heart to heart and hearing what it was like for you and how your journey changed you. Please know I love you more today then I did yesterday and I will love you more tomorrow. I am profoundly grateful for your encouragement and pushing me to do this. The gifts are endless. Love Mom

I leave you all with the following thoughts:

May you be happy

May you find peace in your mind and in your heart

May you be loved

May you live your life with ease